I only really like my cervix if I don’t have to think about it.

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Due to an atrocious OBGYN several years ago who equated every single problem I had with my weight I had a Soviet Era copper IUD that was old enough to vote. It wasn’t really Soviet Era, it WAS pre-9/11, and to be fair it voted Democrat but it still had to go.

The removal process 9 days ago was hellish. Hellish. I yelled at one point, out loud, and then started crying. I mean… she stuck a needle in my cervix. Without any warning. I don’t recommend it. It made half my face go numb and my nose bleed. That’s some fucked up reverse acupuncture FOR SURE. Leading up to this she had given me a prescription for something that was supposed to soften my cervix to make the thing easier, and in my defense the pharmacist didn’t mention that it was supposed to be inserted – the instructions were “take one tablet night before procedure”. Also it said “take with food”. These made me think that I should eat something and then swallow the pill. I was wrong.

I have a very high tolerance for pain. Like really very high. 36 hours of back labor followed by delivery without any drugs. Kidney stones without any drugs. An injection in the cervix without any drugs. rooting around in my uterus looking for a little piece of copper without any drugs.

The insertion process wasn’t much better, because evidently there are corners and switchbacks involved because it turns out that my uterus is literally upside-down and backwards and on its side, and in an entirely different building, the pathway looks like Lombard St, which isn’t something that anyone felt the need to tell me, the owner of the uterus. I said: “oh, so is that why I only had back labor?” and she said “yes, I can’t believe no one warned you”. My youngest is 18 so it’s been too long to be feeling THIS DAMN SALTY, but no, no one told me. Why would anyone tell the terrified 23 year old what is causing her pain?

Where am I going with this? I don’t remember. But today I’ve got a shiny new IUD, loaded with hormones that might even help with my The Shining Elevator style periods I’ve been having for the last 15 years. Which, coincidently had NOTHING to do with my fucking weight.

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and in case you’re wondering – once I get home and put on the most comfortable damn joggers in the WORLD (which yeah, I do think are worth the stupid high price tag.) I’m going to shop alllllll these feelings away in the form of Disney Holiday Decorations. (and vanilla milkshakes with butterscotch schnapps. #butterscotchberns )

 

a little rant about size exclusivity

So I was reading this piece written by author Amy Stewart about packing to go on a book tour. It’s smart and useful advice that I never really considered.

I like her method and I’m a notorious over packer and this wouldn’t necessarily work for Disney because — glitter and color and princesses and sweat, but it could work for going down to Austin for a foodie weekend, or to Tampa for a foodie weekend or over to Nantucket for a foodie… ok. I like to go eat places.

Anyways- I’m reading her piece fully prepared to just buy all the things she has in her suitcase- the stuff on the Brass website is cute and simple and perfect for the 45 minutes per year that I think I want a capsule wardrobe. But XL is the largest size they have and XL is a 12/14. And as a 14 I don’t trust it- the model who wears the LG on their website is an 8 maybe. What the hell, man?! Why you gotta be so size exclusive? More women come in sizes 14 and up than in 12 and down. And we want capsule wardrobes and chill dresses with pockets and sleek work blouses made of natural fibers that have intact shoulders and come in neutral colors. (Shocking that sometimes we might not want rayon cold shoulder blouses in fuchsia zebra print, I know.)

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this is the LG. (also available in S, XS and XXS)

Ann Taylor Loft started selling clothes in 16 and up this week, IN STORES! Which is the real test – you want to take money from fat women but don’t want us seen in your stores? (Madewell- looking at you here. “extended sizing available online!” gak.)

Selling clothes for EVERY SINGLE WOMAN shouldn’t make you feel like you’re doing us a favor, taking our cash shouldn’t be this hard, and it CERTAINLY should be seen as an act of charity.

this is just a series of incomplete thoughts, I know. I’m just feeling really ragey and disappointed.

xoxo

The Return of Three Favorites Thursday!

Anxiety is a real, true, gross, pain in the ass sometimes. I have had *literally* (figuratively) 657 ideas for things to write about but then I was positive they were all terrible ideas. They weren’t but I feel like even if they were I should probably still have written because that’s what our teachers used to say about making writing a habit, right? I’m hyperventilating a little bit right now thinking “do I even have three favorite things?”

ummm. yes. I have thousands of favorite things, everything is my favorite.

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Earrings. I own lots of earrings, both because I make them, and because unlike things around my wrists or neck, I can generally handle keeping a comfortable pair of earrings in my ears all day.  Back in February I was on a cruise and the family in the cabin next to us were this gorgeous, fancy family from Mexico- tiny daughters all dressed the same with shiny ponytails, mom impeccable even tendering back from an excursion… perfect. Annnnyways, mom wore these earrings– and hers were probably real pearls worth thousands of dollars but I’m not about that, so I found them on Amazon. For 8.99. and I wear them at least 4 times a week. I feel so cool in them, they match EVERYTHING.  (I might have just this moment ordered the black and rose gold ones.) frontbackearrings

And when I’m not wearing those I’m usually wearing these – my friend Barbara reps for Stella & Dot and these earrings weigh NOTHING, go with EVERYTHING, and get me compliments every time I wear them. At $44 they are a bit more than the pearls above but still not terribly expensive and the amount of wear you’ll get out of them makes them absolutely worth it.

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Shoes! I can’t stop buying shoes. I bought myself silver Frye combat boots yesterday – they won’t be here for another couple of weeks so those can’t be my favorite anything other than ‘favorite unworn purchase’ maybe… but I did also order the Tarte blush book so that could be my favorite unworn purchase…

Have I mentioned how my feet, which have always been my favorite physical feature, my cute little feet, are developing bunions? I think I have. Because they are, and they MEAN BUSINESS. So my toes need room to hang out and make a natural foot shape. On the other hand I have long loved a pointy toe. Which is where these come in. They were in my most recent Nordstrom Trunk Club Trunk (that’s a referral link… you should sign up, your wardrobe will thank you!)

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These Kelin Flats from BP were $59.95 and instantly comfortable right out of the box. The leather is so soft, and the sole nice and flexible. 10 out of 10. Would recommend. They are getting a TON of wear and will be good right into fall. (I rock naked ankles until it starts snowing.)

 

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see? pointy toe but not a narrow toe box, so hella comfortable. and I haven’t tried yet but I bet I could wear a bunion corrector with these. ahhh 42, the magical age when I learned what the f*ck a bunion corrector is.

I just read this piece from Augusta Falletta for Buzzfeed about retiring uncomfortable footwear and YES! I agree 100%. I’m a MUCH nicer human when my feet don’t hurt.

 

 

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These freaking dresses.  I live in this place where I’m constantly trying to find the perfect Disney wardrobe. Is that weird? I’m pretty sure that’s weird. Anyways, day to day I tend to wear a lot of New England appropriate things, lot of black, recently some navy and that blush color that is so popular right now. But COLOR and PATTERN are things I reserve for vacation in either Austin Texas (all the sundresses!) or Disney World.

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trying to sneak into Club 33 in the magic dress. for reference I wear a 14 and this is an XL.

Enter the magical 17 dollar Amazon dress with POCKETS!  they’re cute, swingy, soft, they wash well and they’re the perfect length. (I wear Jockey Skimmies slipshorts under them- Skimmies would be my 3.5th favorite thing for this week, they are life changing, and not just because I’ve never met a breeze that didn’t want to introduce every passerby to a flash of my underwear.)

Anyways – the dress! Cute on its own, over skinny jeans, with a cardigan… I  love it. I have it in 2 patterns already and am tempted by 2 more.

 

 

 

So. there are my three favorites for Thursday August 23rd. And they’re all under 60$!

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xoxo

 

 

 

Three Favorites Thursday. v3.

This week has not been conducive to lighthearted blog posts. I’ve started a few but every one of them turned into a screed. A justified and completely logical screed but still… so so angry.

So today among my favorite things are the people who will stand between this administration and the people they mean to harm, the people who are speaking up and out, and the helpers, also teenagers for setting a good example of self appreciation.

 

 

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RAICES Texas and their Bond Fund.

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Donate to the fund HERE.

What is RAICES?

“The Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services is a nonprofit organization that provides free and low-cost legal services to immigrant children, families and refugees in Central and South Texas.”

They are on the front line of getting these families reunited and with the summer refugee immigration surge just beginning they are needed now more than ever.

 

 

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Empathy, Activism, Protest.

Everyone is exhausted. Everyone thought that they couldn’t possibly maintain this level of outrage for going on 2 years now. And yet here we are. Marching, protesting, emailing our representatives so often that I just automatically recycle the response letters I get now. So many donations, so many emails from so many activist groups… it helps me feel like we aren’t alone, like these daily atrocities are not going unnoticed, unaccounted for.

I’m also a person who keeps rolls of stamps now because books just don’t cover it anymore. Because sometimes you can’t make a phone call, and a post-card sends the perfect little message.

Luckily I know a lot of creative women who have designed their own cards – like these:

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Polkadot Paper Company post cards can be purchased from her Etsy store.

and these!

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These are new and I am EXCITED. Get yours from Fisk & Fern here. (profits go to the ACLU!) 

 

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Finally –  National Selfie Day.

Girls are constantly being mocked for taking selfies, for sharing pictures of themselves, for LIKING pictures of themselves. How messed up is that?!  Now that our national embarrassment is an actual narcissist in the White House can we stop calling teenaged girls narcissists for taking selfies?

I get that women and girls are supposed to BE pretty but not KNOW we’re pretty, it makes us easier to belittle and control that way- but where’s the fun in that for us?

If you’re feeling your look, take a damn selfie, post it. Turns out not hating how you look is rebellious and incredibly political.

Why yes, I am about to post a bevy of selfies… (two with Manic Trout necklaces, two in Disney, one also with my new amazing Weighted Blanket which we can talk about later.)

 

Send a post card, be heard, post a selfie, be seen.

xoxo

I haven’t really been shopping…

I had to have a tooth removed last Saturday, so I’ve been sleeping as much as possible because I can’t eat anything good – and I haven’t felt like I needed or especially wanted anything.

Saturday I AM going shed shopping though – we moved to Massachusetts from Texas four years ago this summer, in Texas I had a little jewelry company called Unrepeatables and Unrepeatables had her own room in the house – It acted as a studio and I loved it, giant windows, awesome light. Rather than sit on the sofa and watch TV I used to spend evenings there, making things, watching TV… I’d have sales on weekends and was stocking inventory in shops and I loved doing that. Then we moved and Unrepeatables got set up in the basement. Which flooded, had mice, had spiders, flooded again. After the mice I threw away so much of my stuff- crying hysterically, hauling stuff upstairs late at night, throwing it in a dumpster that I had in the driveway.  I was pathetic but it was really sad and felt like the end of my ability to be creative in a space that was mine. The lack of a creative outlet has been awful but it is almost at an end.

So- a shed. In April we bought the house that we have been living in since we moved up here and we have a 5 year plan to make it super spiffy and sell it. A pool house was never on my list of things that we needed to make the house marketable, but it is a thing that *I* need. Between now and when we sell, the “pool house” will be my studio… and just the thought of that makes me so fricking happy.  Maybe SO happy that I don’t want to spend my $ on stupid shit I don’t need? I’ll need supplies soon!

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this is the dream but I have a feeling I’ll have to sacrifice the cute little porch.

The fun of this is that I HAVE been doing a lot of browsing for this space that doesn’t exist yet. My Pinterest board for this project is all over the place because I want to do ALL THE THINGS!  This tiny space will need to be a glass studio, and have a place for all of my polish, a worktable for jewelry making and sewing and I need a little sitting area so that I can have friends come hang out with me drinking vodka tonics. It needs excellent ventilation, access to a gas tank, heat and air conditioning and good lighting. So, just a couple things.

I’m hoping that Saturday I find the exact right one and can get it on order because I really need to make stuff! I’ve only been using my nail polish to paint my nails, and that’s just not right.

xoxo

PS: I’m wearing a necklace with a whale on it. I’ve got a list of things that I want to do this year and wearing something with a whale or a pig or an elephant on it is on that list. Learning to make school bread is also on the list.  Losing weight is NOT on that list in any form (eat healthy, exercise more, less junk food, etc.) for pretty much the first time ever. More brunch, less negative self-talk. Anyways, I feel cute as heck in my whale necklace.

Trying Something New (color! swimsuits!)

 

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And they know I do laundry, so I don’t stink, and that’s also a bonus. 

Y’all. I love wearing black. Don’t you ever marvel at the memes people share with you because they reminded them of you? I love that. For me those things are Disney, Jello Shots, Nail Polish and Black Clothing.

For example, every time this –> makes the rounds I get tagged at least four or five times and I love it, because it is true, and because it is awesome to know that people are thinking of me!

In the past – both recent and distant – when non-black items come into my wardrobe it is almost always because the black in my size was sold out, or it was much more expensive, and so I think to myself: “Now is the time! let’s buy these boots in brown, I wear brown now!” No. No I don’t. I don’t wear sky-blue cashmere hoodies because they were on clearance at Lord and Taylor, those things always get returned.

Until this year.
shoppingforspringIn February I went on a cruise for a week and I decided it was time to add some color back into my warm-weather wardrobe. I started with a bathing suit. It is pink and purple and blue, there are flowers- I ordered it, and about 4 other suits, from Swimsuits For All. The other suits were all black, and I kept the colorful one and returned the safe, “flattering” (UGH, another post for another day) suits that guarantee that my fat self on the beach doesn’t get noticed. Like women over a certain age, women over a certain weight are supposed to keep that shit locked down. “I don’t want to have to see…”* is the common refrain of the a-hole who thinks they get a say in what other people wear. But not this year.  On that beach in Jamaica, drinking Red Stripe and getting the worst sunburn I’ve ever had, I was wishing my suit was NEON.  *(Here’s a hint, if you ever hear yourself saying “I don’t want to have to see…” STOP LOOKING. no one is making you do anything.)

I still don’t have a neon suit but I just remembered that from returning the safe black bathing suits I had a big credit for Swimsuits for All, which brings us to the shopping part… I just bought THIS and I am going full on Poison Ivy at the pool this summer.

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How amazing is this suit?! 

I have a discount code for you! 40% off if you use my link– consider signing up for emails as well because there is NEVER a reason to pay full price at Swimsuits for All, they have great sales pretty much all the time. But a tip- if you return things – don’t use their shipping label. Because then they refund in store credit rather than to your original form of payment. Which is less convenient for sure.

Rock it and be seen.

xoxo