holidaying my feelings – why is there so much crap in my house? edition

treeatnight
we decorated EARLY this year and I’m not sorry.

It’s weird to get to a place where you don’t want anything. but I don’t. I don’t want a single thing. I have EVERYTHING I need. I have MORE THAN I NEED.  I am getting rid of things at a steady pace.

part of the particular nature/nurture strain of anxiety/depression that I inherited from my father leads to purging. I try to be very conscious of what I get rid of because I want to make sure I have art my kids made in kindergarten, or baby photos, or my husband’s letterman jacket. dad was a reckless purger so there are things from my childhood that I would have preferred to not end up in a dumpster while I was in college… like anything from my childhood. Ten points to the X-ers in charge of our entertainment, because I can at least have NEW things of whatever things I don’t have from my childhood. Jem? Good Luck Bear? A Vintage style My Little Pony? A fricking Zoom birthday record?! They exist again and I could have all of those things.

but I don’t want them.

hygge
tea, cake, making lists. some of my favorites.

so right, while the holidays approach, and Winter is Coming, and I really want to start getting my house renovated, and things are happening in my professional life that I can’t/haven’t told everyone about yet… I’m fucking stressed out. I’m also really fucking depressed. I said that out loud to myself in the car the other day. “I am really fucking depressed” and the moment of acknowledging my feelings for what they are… it helped. I mean, Wellbutrin helps more, but recognition is important.

and I need to get a dumpster which currently has me REALLY worried because I do want to get rid of every.fucking.thing. in my house.

I speak only for myself and my own experiences with depression but if I had to make a list of things I “want” or “need” for Christmas right now they would include: socks, a throw blanket or four, a magically clean kitchen and front hallway unaccompanied by the sounds of angry cleaning, new toss pillows for the couch, cake, dark curtains in my bedroom for naps, naps, for my house to smell like a Christmas tree, candles in every room, having the dining room table completely clear… chocolate. See’s or Phillip’s Candy House especially. The soft ones with fruity creme centers. Or a trip to Disney. But mostly I need Hygge.

Hygge-2

I want Hygge for Christmas.

xoxo

 

Pretending to Shop.

boxes
Not my front door. (but a reasonable facsimile)

We moved our oldest into her dorm yesterday. And on Thursday our youngest starts her senior year of high school. I should never shop again with the tuition payments I have to look forward to but I pretty much bought the internet last week – so this week I’m not buying anything.

But if I were, here’s what I’d get:

boots

I have these boots in black suede from last year and I think I wore them 3 days a week. From my maternal grandmother I inherited the calves of a professional soccer player, she loved her giant calves, I struggle with feelings about my own but I’m trying- they work hard and let me walk super fast. But they make it hard to find boots, I’d rather shop for a bathing suit than a pair of boots. I get sweaty and cranky. So I usually wear ankle boots. But the Calypso boot changed all that.  Look at that stretchy back panel – I love these so much! And this year they’re in leather! I need them.

Just not today. (I did put them into a shopping cart on Friday though, and have gotten a couple of emails from Sole Society with coupons to get me to pull the trigger. We are at 15% right now, it gets to 20% I might not be able to control myself…)

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Having a fight or flight reaction that leads to lots of shopping AND the mass ingestion of Haribo Berries – is not doing my wallet or my blood sugar any favors.

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But speaking of eating my feelings, I would also have bought myself a couple of boxes of See’s Vanilla Chocolate Chip chocolates. “but Erin, they’re only 5.99”  you’re adorable, I’d get at least 2, and while I was there I’d probably put together a custom 2 pound box. and did you know that you can buy bags of baking chocolate chips? because you can. And just like that…

justlikethat

…I’ve spent 115$ on chocolates.

The end of summer is an inevitability. Boots and cute jackets make the 45 minutes that is the Fall season much easier to accept. HOW CUTE IS THIS JACKET from Torrid?! I love it. And on sale. And faux leather, so when fall gets rainy (like it does) or snowy (because New England) you can wear it without worrying that you’re going to turn into your very own Seinfeld episode.

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Yesterday I got an email from Universal Standard (yep, that’s a referral link) to tell me they’d launched a few new dresses that have my damn name ALL OVER THEM. I really really want this dress.  

carrea

Because HELLO perfect perfect dress. Which at $80 is 1/3 the price of similar Eileen Fisher dresses.

There were more things, I put at least three other things in shopping carts across the internet today, but I don’t remember any of them, so I’m glad I didn’t actually get them!

stilllivesTwo things I DID buy though – I got a copy of Still Lives by Maria Hummel which I am very excited to read. I’m usually anti book-club-books because of the Cult of Oprah and her books all being ‘tragic stories of the triumph of the human spirit’. NO. get away from me with that. But the books that Reece Witherspoon has been scooping up to turn into movies and shows have been awesome. So I’m giving this one a shot. I’ve been ALL ABOUT books written by women, and thrillers. So you should read it with me and we can talk about it later. But not like a book-club because my brain will turn the read into homework.

And I also bought a digital copy of Oceans 8. Because of Cate Blanchett’s wardrobe. And Awkwafina. and my deep abiding love for Sandra Bullock movies. And the whole cast is flawless. I enjoyed it very much. It got shit reviews and yeah, I’m going to say that a great deal of that is just bullshit sexism.  So watch it, it’ll be fun.

oceans8

What have you been eyeing but not buying?

xoxo

 

 

Packing for Imaginary Vacations. (when I have an actual vacation to pack for)

Y’all. on the 9th I had to have a tooth extracted and then this weekend I cracked a tooth on the OTHER side of my mouth – on an egg salad sandwich. So it was the tooth’s time to go I guess. So, I’m still not really eating anything delicious. But! Today someone brought a bag of fun sized candy bars to the office and there are Three Musketeers bars- which are definitely my speed right now.

So I ordered three boxes of chocolates from See’s.  And technically I bought extra to share but I might keep all three for myself because the world is shitty right now and I’m a sucker for a berry creme chocolate. And chocolate in general. And pretty much anything I can eat without worrying that I’m going to stab myself in the gums or break another tooth. (my teeth aren’t all this fragile, just those two.)

I have no regrets,  #becausechocolate

I got an email today with this dress in it. I’m not buying it because like I said – dental work – and also I’m currently pretending that I’m going to Egypt for 17 days in January/February. THOUGH. if I were going to Egypt this dress seems like it could be amazing with a giant hat to wear onboard the Sonesta Star Goddess as we travel up the Nile. Oh… I’m definitely putting together a fake packing list Pinterest board for my fake adventure through Egypt.  hang on…

ok. done.

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the dress:

handpainted dress
perfect, right? I especially love the styling with the shoes.

Anyways, like I said- I’m going on actual vacation on Saturday. I’m going to Disneyland! Don’t roll your eyes at me, I know I was in Disney World last month but this is different. I’ve never been to Disneyland! And everyone is going – Dave, the girls, my sister and her husband and my nephew, and the girls are each bringing a friend… it is a Disney field trip of the highest order. AND. we are doing a VIP tour because it stresses me out to be responsible for other people’s vacations – so to make sure we cover everything… getting a plaid. Wicked excited.

disneylandcur

I’ve been making the same list over and over this week – tweaking it a little each time. But yesterday morning it occurred to me that I’m bringing a big-ass-suitcase because I’m NOT stressing out about fitting my outfits and shoes into a little suitcase to prove that I can. That’s not fun at all.

How do I pack for Disneyland? Is it weird that I’m looking at strangers’ Instas to see what people are wearing in their photos?

AND THEN…

news breaks that Justice Kennedy is retiring and there goes all of my travel excitement and actual anxiety hits and none of this fun silly stuff matters.

 

I picked the wrong administration to start a blog about shopping.

action-alert

Call your senators. 

xoxo