holidaying my feelings – why is there so much crap in my house? edition

treeatnight
we decorated EARLY this year and I’m not sorry.

It’s weird to get to a place where you don’t want anything. but I don’t. I don’t want a single thing. I have EVERYTHING I need. I have MORE THAN I NEED.  I am getting rid of things at a steady pace.

part of the particular nature/nurture strain of anxiety/depression that I inherited from my father leads to purging. I try to be very conscious of what I get rid of because I want to make sure I have art my kids made in kindergarten, or baby photos, or my husband’s letterman jacket. dad was a reckless purger so there are things from my childhood that I would have preferred to not end up in a dumpster while I was in college… like anything from my childhood. Ten points to the X-ers in charge of our entertainment, because I can at least have NEW things of whatever things I don’t have from my childhood. Jem? Good Luck Bear? A Vintage style My Little Pony? A fricking Zoom birthday record?! They exist again and I could have all of those things.

but I don’t want them.

hygge
tea, cake, making lists. some of my favorites.

so right, while the holidays approach, and Winter is Coming, and I really want to start getting my house renovated, and things are happening in my professional life that I can’t/haven’t told everyone about yet… I’m fucking stressed out. I’m also really fucking depressed. I said that out loud to myself in the car the other day. “I am really fucking depressed” and the moment of acknowledging my feelings for what they are… it helped. I mean, Wellbutrin helps more, but recognition is important.

and I need to get a dumpster which currently has me REALLY worried because I do want to get rid of every.fucking.thing. in my house.

I speak only for myself and my own experiences with depression but if I had to make a list of things I “want” or “need” for Christmas right now they would include: socks, a throw blanket or four, a magically clean kitchen and front hallway unaccompanied by the sounds of angry cleaning, new toss pillows for the couch, cake, dark curtains in my bedroom for naps, naps, for my house to smell like a Christmas tree, candles in every room, having the dining room table completely clear… chocolate. See’s or Phillip’s Candy House especially. The soft ones with fruity creme centers. Or a trip to Disney. But mostly I need Hygge.

Hygge-2

I want Hygge for Christmas.

xoxo

 

sunday morning coming down

as I start this it is 8:19 AM. I’ve put my sheets into the wash because I found a giant dead wood beetle UNDER WHERE I WAS SLEEPING this morning. (sunday is bedding day anyways but I was hoping to put it off while I watched some netflix and wrote this post, but no, I’m a beetle murder in my sleep so new plan…) it is raining so I have some hope that it will stay bleak enough to facilitate day-watching of Haunting of Hill House while I clean in anticipation of the housekeeper.

before ALL of that, before I’d ever gotten out of bed, while the beetle was still in pieces beneath me (AAAAAAAH) I had already read three things:

  1. a text from my mother asking why my daughters “dumped (her)” – they left a group chat that she put them in with my sister, nephew, uncle and myself. They didn’t ask to be put there but she was spending 2 weeks in Disney when she did it so I think they thought it was a way to share her Disney experiences, which, you know, we are ALL about. Yesterday out of the blue she sent us this text: “M is reading a book about Trump and he has a weekly Bible study at the White House. Soooo perfect! I can trust anyone who wants to serve God!!! You can too.”  — OF COURSE I FUCKING RESPONDED!  I have avoided having this conversation with her for two years, I never wanted to have it. But now it’s out there, and so I had to ask the question that burns in my throat whenever a “Christian” talks about their president.texttomom


  2. the first thing on my Facebook feed this morning – super appropriate to thing 1 on today’s list. This piece about Religious Trauma Syndrome which explains my life from 7 when I was praying I would be a martyr because I knew I was already an undeserving sinner and there didn’t seem like ANY other way into heaven.  Until the day my youngest daughter asked me about this statue at Epcot (everything happens at Disney) in the Germany pavilion where St. George is slaying a dragon. I said “that’s Saint George, he’s killing a drago….” and that was it. I wasn’t taught that that dragon was a metaphor, I was taught it was an ACTUAL DRAGON. And I believed it. So my 20s were especially fraught as I tried to figure out who I was and what I believed and where, as a loud, smart, independent but married, woman, and mother, my place in the world could be.  So that was the second thing I read today.



  3. the third thing I read today is about beer. (<<<read that, it’s very interesting, a little frustrating, but good)  and also ‘men’s rights activists’ because if there’s anything men in this country are lacking, it is equality. amirite. I’m not a giant beer drinker – I like red ales and Kolsch and lagers and pilsners. though plenty of guys have told me that Kolsch isn’t actually beer, that real beer tastes like carbonated stomach bile – like the acid you use to strip your car battery. No thank you. not for me. but some people are into IPAs and porters and stouts and that’s cool, more power to you sister. So in LA, Ting Su, cofounder of Eagle Rock Brewery started a Women’s Only Beer Forum, to help the ladies explore their beer love. Like a wine class, which apparently we can have endless numbers of, but for beer. which is obviously only for the mens.  Anyways, Ting Su started this super-sexist-against-poor-men-who-don’t-get-to-do-anything group and got sued, by a professional plaintiff, and now she’s defending herself. And there’s a Go Fund Me.

    I want to go there and drink these! talk about GREAT packaging design. Also the word Manifesto is something I hold near and dear going way back to the early days of the Patriot Act. But there’s a conversation to be had here about beer, and equality and safe spaces and douchebros who can’t even pay for sex.

Which brings us back to Trump. (kidding) it brings me to 10:15 AM and I need to put my sheets in the dryer.

 

Prost, xoxo

Packing for Imaginary Vacations. (when I have an actual vacation to pack for)

Y’all. on the 9th I had to have a tooth extracted and then this weekend I cracked a tooth on the OTHER side of my mouth – on an egg salad sandwich. So it was the tooth’s time to go I guess. So, I’m still not really eating anything delicious. But! Today someone brought a bag of fun sized candy bars to the office and there are Three Musketeers bars- which are definitely my speed right now.

So I ordered three boxes of chocolates from See’s.  And technically I bought extra to share but I might keep all three for myself because the world is shitty right now and I’m a sucker for a berry creme chocolate. And chocolate in general. And pretty much anything I can eat without worrying that I’m going to stab myself in the gums or break another tooth. (my teeth aren’t all this fragile, just those two.)

I have no regrets,  #becausechocolate

I got an email today with this dress in it. I’m not buying it because like I said – dental work – and also I’m currently pretending that I’m going to Egypt for 17 days in January/February. THOUGH. if I were going to Egypt this dress seems like it could be amazing with a giant hat to wear onboard the Sonesta Star Goddess as we travel up the Nile. Oh… I’m definitely putting together a fake packing list Pinterest board for my fake adventure through Egypt.  hang on…

ok. done.

Screen Shot 2018-06-27 at 12.46.54 PM

the dress:

handpainted dress
perfect, right? I especially love the styling with the shoes.

Anyways, like I said- I’m going on actual vacation on Saturday. I’m going to Disneyland! Don’t roll your eyes at me, I know I was in Disney World last month but this is different. I’ve never been to Disneyland! And everyone is going – Dave, the girls, my sister and her husband and my nephew, and the girls are each bringing a friend… it is a Disney field trip of the highest order. AND. we are doing a VIP tour because it stresses me out to be responsible for other people’s vacations – so to make sure we cover everything… getting a plaid. Wicked excited.

disneylandcur

I’ve been making the same list over and over this week – tweaking it a little each time. But yesterday morning it occurred to me that I’m bringing a big-ass-suitcase because I’m NOT stressing out about fitting my outfits and shoes into a little suitcase to prove that I can. That’s not fun at all.

How do I pack for Disneyland? Is it weird that I’m looking at strangers’ Instas to see what people are wearing in their photos?

AND THEN…

news breaks that Justice Kennedy is retiring and there goes all of my travel excitement and actual anxiety hits and none of this fun silly stuff matters.

 

I picked the wrong administration to start a blog about shopping.

action-alert

Call your senators. 

xoxo

 

 

Traveling My Feelings. Disney 4.2

IMG_5854
hey, it’s me! in a few of my favorite things for Disney.

I have been in Disney World- Traveling My Feelings with a large side of Eating My Feelings- and celebrating my birthday.  When things at work get crazy, or when I’m sad, or I’m happy enough to be experiencing a break in the clouds of depression that makes me want to DO ANYTHING… I plan Disney weekends. It gets me out of my head, it gives me something to focus on and to get ready for. Making dining reservations and fastpass+ ride plans is a concrete step forward while giving me something bigger to look forward to. Plus it is really fricking fun.

And there’s packing. I start packing in my head and on paper weeks before I go. I have an entire Disney wardrobe- clothing I would never wear during my day to day in Massachusetts where I have always worn black, even in summertime. (I’m working on that right now but that’ll be another blog post for another day.) The quest for the perfect park shoe is never ending- if you have a suggestion I’m open to hearing it! I’ve found that my old school Fit Flops work the best. Skechers GoWalk sneakers with the yoga mat soles are also awesome, but the INSTANT my feet get sweaty it is all over for me, so I can’t wear things that require socks. Your mileage may vary on that.

IMG_5794
Giant Mickey Waffle @ Grand Floridian Cafe.

In the photo at the top of this I’m wearing a LulaRoe Carly dress, I think it is a size Small, which cracks me up every time- I wear Small and Medium in that style interchangeably and find them to be some of the best park dresses I’ve got. My shoulders are protected from the sunburn I would otherwise get and it is a swing style, giving me lots of room for Mickey Waffles and Dole Whips. I’m also crazy about the bag I’m wearing – it is a Kavu sling bag that I got from Amazon and I will never go back to another style bag for the parks. The Kavu fits 3-4 of the thicker Disney ponchos, a bottle of water, phone, a cord and a fuel rod. Plus the other little necessities of the day- sunglasses, cool towel, advil, sunscreen… they’re also cute and easy for security to look through as I enter the park. So. A Kavu Bag. The way to go for sure. I have the Black Topo style but see Space Pop in my future! (the link to Amazon is an affiliate link- if you buy it- and you should!- I’ll make a tiny bit which I’ll put towards my next one.)

Disney trip planning gives me an excuse to do all of the things I love all at once – shopping, list-making, thinking about food… and the payoff is a trip to a place I love with people I love.

I can’t wait to go back.

 

IMG_5789
The Majesty of Everest at 80% humidity.

I make lists, I love brunch, I obsess about things beyond my control.

I am Erin. 41 for 10 more days. Mother of two, wife for 18 years and counting. Survivor of two cults, teller of anticlimactic stories.

I make lists as a coping mechanism. I shop when I am scared or stressed, or depressed. Lately I am all of those things a lot of the time. Shopping carts across the internet are filled with things I will never buy- not all shopping translates into buying.

notebooks, Ancient Egypt and Pilot G-2 pens, a few of my favorite things.

A few years ago I would have wanted a blog to record my weight loss journey, to see how happy and fulfilled I would be as I bought a cute wardrobe of size 8 clothes. I still struggle with feelings about my body but my understanding of what causes happiness has changed in a real, fundamental way. I am a comfortable with my size 14 self who has given thousands of unfulfilled dollars to Weight Watchers, Curves, Planet Fitness, juice cleanses, lemonade cayenne diets, medical weight loss centers, etc. I’m going to keep that money now, thankyouverymuch, and I’m going to spend it on baseball tickets. Go Sox!

Sometimes booking a Disney trip brings happiness. Sometimes it is the rare, perfect application of eyeliner. I’m not always very deep. I avoid stories about the triumph of the human spirit like the plague. I love mystery novels, Ancient Egypt, soft serve ice cream, Wellbutrin and Xanax, tacos, Austin Texas. Everything is my favorite. I am moody and get cranky easily. I have a lot of opinions about things and this seems like a good place to put them, while also showing you the cool things I bought or the great sale going on, or the shoes I want.

So hi.