holidaying my feelings – why is there so much crap in my house? edition

treeatnight
we decorated EARLY this year and I’m not sorry.

It’s weird to get to a place where you don’t want anything. but I don’t. I don’t want a single thing. I have EVERYTHING I need. I have MORE THAN I NEED.  I am getting rid of things at a steady pace.

part of the particular nature/nurture strain of anxiety/depression that I inherited from my father leads to purging. I try to be very conscious of what I get rid of because I want to make sure I have art my kids made in kindergarten, or baby photos, or my husband’s letterman jacket. dad was a reckless purger so there are things from my childhood that I would have preferred to not end up in a dumpster while I was in college… like anything from my childhood. Ten points to the X-ers in charge of our entertainment, because I can at least have NEW things of whatever things I don’t have from my childhood. Jem? Good Luck Bear? A Vintage style My Little Pony? A fricking Zoom birthday record?! They exist again and I could have all of those things.

but I don’t want them.

hygge
tea, cake, making lists. some of my favorites.

so right, while the holidays approach, and Winter is Coming, and I really want to start getting my house renovated, and things are happening in my professional life that I can’t/haven’t told everyone about yet… I’m fucking stressed out. I’m also really fucking depressed. I said that out loud to myself in the car the other day. “I am really fucking depressed” and the moment of acknowledging my feelings for what they are… it helped. I mean, Wellbutrin helps more, but recognition is important.

and I need to get a dumpster which currently has me REALLY worried because I do want to get rid of every.fucking.thing. in my house.

I speak only for myself and my own experiences with depression but if I had to make a list of things I “want” or “need” for Christmas right now they would include: socks, a throw blanket or four, a magically clean kitchen and front hallway unaccompanied by the sounds of angry cleaning, new toss pillows for the couch, cake, dark curtains in my bedroom for naps, naps, for my house to smell like a Christmas tree, candles in every room, having the dining room table completely clear… chocolate. See’s or Phillip’s Candy House especially. The soft ones with fruity creme centers. Or a trip to Disney. But mostly I need Hygge.

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I want Hygge for Christmas.

xoxo

 

I only really like my cervix if I don’t have to think about it.

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Due to an atrocious OBGYN several years ago who equated every single problem I had with my weight I had a Soviet Era copper IUD that was old enough to vote. It wasn’t really Soviet Era, it WAS pre-9/11, and to be fair it voted Democrat but it still had to go.

The removal process 9 days ago was hellish. Hellish. I yelled at one point, out loud, and then started crying. I mean… she stuck a needle in my cervix. Without any warning. I don’t recommend it. It made half my face go numb and my nose bleed. That’s some fucked up reverse acupuncture FOR SURE. Leading up to this she had given me a prescription for something that was supposed to soften my cervix to make the thing easier, and in my defense the pharmacist didn’t mention that it was supposed to be inserted – the instructions were “take one tablet night before procedure”. Also it said “take with food”. These made me think that I should eat something and then swallow the pill. I was wrong.

I have a very high tolerance for pain. Like really very high. 36 hours of back labor followed by delivery without any drugs. Kidney stones without any drugs. An injection in the cervix without any drugs. rooting around in my uterus looking for a little piece of copper without any drugs.

The insertion process wasn’t much better, because evidently there are corners and switchbacks involved because it turns out that my uterus is literally upside-down and backwards and on its side, and in an entirely different building, the pathway looks like Lombard St, which isn’t something that anyone felt the need to tell me, the owner of the uterus. I said: “oh, so is that why I only had back labor?” and she said “yes, I can’t believe no one warned you”. My youngest is 18 so it’s been too long to be feeling THIS DAMN SALTY, but no, no one told me. Why would anyone tell the terrified 23 year old what is causing her pain?

Where am I going with this? I don’t remember. But today I’ve got a shiny new IUD, loaded with hormones that might even help with my The Shining Elevator style periods I’ve been having for the last 15 years. Which, coincidently had NOTHING to do with my fucking weight.

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and in case you’re wondering – once I get home and put on the most comfortable damn joggers in the WORLD (which yeah, I do think are worth the stupid high price tag.) I’m going to shop alllllll these feelings away in the form of Disney Holiday Decorations. (and vanilla milkshakes with butterscotch schnapps. #butterscotchberns )

 

bucket-list my feelings. archaeology edition.

y’all. all I ever ever wanted to be growing up was an archaeologist. or paleontologist. or anthropologist. or a combination of those three. I didn’t, because…  reasons… some having to do with a super conservative upbringing where women have a specific role and it doesn’t involve digging in the Valley of the Kings. and also an enormous lack of self confidence. and a general fear of getting the thing that I want. and my college counselor telling me she would’t write me a recommendation to the schools with the good archaeology departments.

“why would you want to do all of that work, when you’ll know all the answers when you get to heaven anyways?”  (not a quote from my guidance counselor, just a thing I was told growing up.) but what the actual fork?!

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Photo by Simon Matzinger from Pexels

 

the point – I’ve stopped listening to MSNBC in the car, and while I miss Nicole Wallace and the righteous rage of Steve Schmidt I don’t miss the anxiety or Joe Scarborough’s pompous snark. So what have I been listening to instead? Glad you asked. I’ve been listening to National Geographic’s: The Great Courses.  Specifically Archaeology: An Introduction to the World’s Greatest Sites. Which, I did NOT pay 234.95 for, I used a single Audible credit. (14.95) And while I feel a little jealous when he is obviously showing images to the camera I also feel like I can put the $220.00 that I saved towards my Nile River Cruise in 2022.

it is a FANTASTIC listen, and one I highly recommend. Chapter 10 is “How do you excavate at a site?” and he goes into specific things like tools (Marshalltown Trowels, everyone should bring their own) to pick axes. (provided at the site).  at one point he says something about how his dig volunteers are mostly students but they’re not all students. sometimes they’re retired doctors or people who want to check ‘archaeological dig’ off of their bucket list. at which point, 5 minutes from the office, at 7:30 in the morning, I’m crying in my car.

I can do that! I’m 42 and the fact that I’m not an archaeologist is 100% on me now and next year we will have 2 kids in college so volunteering on a dig sounds about my speed.

You can come with me if you want.

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Photo by Frans Van Heerden from Pexels

Happy Halloween! xoxo

(so much rambling about a suitcase)

my dad loves convenience stores, his dad did too. They’re open on holidays, some are open 24 hours, they all have news papers and Life Savers and their milk and bread are usually delivered more frequently than they are to the grocery store. Our milk ALWAYS came from the convenience store. I also love them, because I love fountain soda – and other than McDonalds, 7-11 usually has the BEST fountain soda. also I love snacks.

when I was a kid he’d tell me I could have candy if I could decide *right now* so sometimes I didn’t get candy because I’M THE WORST AT DECISIONS. Also, I love him, but patience isn’t a thing he’s known for. I get that from him too. I go from zero to WHAT THE FORK?!!!  in 6 seconds or less.  My lack of decisiveness isn’t Chidi level bad but I’m constantly second guessing myself. Anyways. I want an Away Suitcase (I love shit that gets hyped on instagram, and so far have not been led astray) Annnnnyways (again) They have these collaborations that sell out SO FAST and I want one of those but the next day they’re gone. So I have to decide that I 245 dollars love something split second and that is hard for me. I don’t think I 245 dollars love anything at first sight. But their genius marketing requires that kind of decision making which works in direct opposition to my anxiety.

I have spent HOURS researching what people say about them, does the Bigger Carry-on fit in a JetBlue overhead bin? (seems to) Does the battery actually charge 5x? (seems to) Do they actually fit all that much? (seem to) Am I going to be one of those people dragging a suitcase with a broken wheel? (seems not)

and during that time collaborations have come and gone. The one I’m saddest about I didn’t even KNOW about before it had already sold out. Endor (the green one) was MADE FOR ME. #returnofthejedi4lyfe

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fricking Star Wars Collab – ugh.

they have nine solid every day colors, but… eh? They did a collaboration with Dwayne Wade that included a WINE SUITCASE. Do I need that? no, I wouldn’t have bought it, but I DID like the Bigger Carryon in two tones of blue with a cool liner.

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sold out in a day. I put it in a shopping cart and everything (not this exact one, this is the wine suitcase) but I was in an airport so I figured I’d wait until I got home by which time… gonzo.

they even did a Minions collaboration! Would I have bought a 245 dollar thing to troll my children with? Probably not. But maybe… but probably not.

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hilarious

Rashida Jones did a collaboration. Her colors were good. That one happened before I realized that I wanted one…

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I dig the salmon color and the purple.

Which leads me to Violet. Violet released yesterday and is still available today! So now, like a jackass, I’m going to “zen of shopping” it and say… if it’s still available tomorrow I’ll get it. Which I probably won’t, because 245 seems like A LOT to spend…

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I think I love it, but do I love it because it is new and limited and purple reminds me of my grandmother? those actually seem like perfectly good reasons to love it.

and around.

and around.

and around.

xoxo

 

The Return of Three Favorites Thursday!

Anxiety is a real, true, gross, pain in the ass sometimes. I have had *literally* (figuratively) 657 ideas for things to write about but then I was positive they were all terrible ideas. They weren’t but I feel like even if they were I should probably still have written because that’s what our teachers used to say about making writing a habit, right? I’m hyperventilating a little bit right now thinking “do I even have three favorite things?”

ummm. yes. I have thousands of favorite things, everything is my favorite.

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Earrings. I own lots of earrings, both because I make them, and because unlike things around my wrists or neck, I can generally handle keeping a comfortable pair of earrings in my ears all day.  Back in February I was on a cruise and the family in the cabin next to us were this gorgeous, fancy family from Mexico- tiny daughters all dressed the same with shiny ponytails, mom impeccable even tendering back from an excursion… perfect. Annnnyways, mom wore these earrings– and hers were probably real pearls worth thousands of dollars but I’m not about that, so I found them on Amazon. For 8.99. and I wear them at least 4 times a week. I feel so cool in them, they match EVERYTHING.  (I might have just this moment ordered the black and rose gold ones.) frontbackearrings

And when I’m not wearing those I’m usually wearing these – my friend Barbara reps for Stella & Dot and these earrings weigh NOTHING, go with EVERYTHING, and get me compliments every time I wear them. At $44 they are a bit more than the pearls above but still not terribly expensive and the amount of wear you’ll get out of them makes them absolutely worth it.

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Shoes! I can’t stop buying shoes. I bought myself silver Frye combat boots yesterday – they won’t be here for another couple of weeks so those can’t be my favorite anything other than ‘favorite unworn purchase’ maybe… but I did also order the Tarte blush book so that could be my favorite unworn purchase…

Have I mentioned how my feet, which have always been my favorite physical feature, my cute little feet, are developing bunions? I think I have. Because they are, and they MEAN BUSINESS. So my toes need room to hang out and make a natural foot shape. On the other hand I have long loved a pointy toe. Which is where these come in. They were in my most recent Nordstrom Trunk Club Trunk (that’s a referral link… you should sign up, your wardrobe will thank you!)

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These Kelin Flats from BP were $59.95 and instantly comfortable right out of the box. The leather is so soft, and the sole nice and flexible. 10 out of 10. Would recommend. They are getting a TON of wear and will be good right into fall. (I rock naked ankles until it starts snowing.)

 

kelin
see? pointy toe but not a narrow toe box, so hella comfortable. and I haven’t tried yet but I bet I could wear a bunion corrector with these. ahhh 42, the magical age when I learned what the f*ck a bunion corrector is.

I just read this piece from Augusta Falletta for Buzzfeed about retiring uncomfortable footwear and YES! I agree 100%. I’m a MUCH nicer human when my feet don’t hurt.

 

 

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These freaking dresses.  I live in this place where I’m constantly trying to find the perfect Disney wardrobe. Is that weird? I’m pretty sure that’s weird. Anyways, day to day I tend to wear a lot of New England appropriate things, lot of black, recently some navy and that blush color that is so popular right now. But COLOR and PATTERN are things I reserve for vacation in either Austin Texas (all the sundresses!) or Disney World.

magicdress33
trying to sneak into Club 33 in the magic dress. for reference I wear a 14 and this is an XL.

Enter the magical 17 dollar Amazon dress with POCKETS!  they’re cute, swingy, soft, they wash well and they’re the perfect length. (I wear Jockey Skimmies slipshorts under them- Skimmies would be my 3.5th favorite thing for this week, they are life changing, and not just because I’ve never met a breeze that didn’t want to introduce every passerby to a flash of my underwear.)

Anyways – the dress! Cute on its own, over skinny jeans, with a cardigan… I  love it. I have it in 2 patterns already and am tempted by 2 more.

 

 

 

So. there are my three favorites for Thursday August 23rd. And they’re all under 60$!

treatyoself

xoxo

 

 

 

Evening Ablutions

This started as a post about stress buying nail polish. Then this monstrosity of a post happened.  So nail polish talk tomorrow.

 

Last night as I was doing my evening routine I was thinking about my favorite products and how I should share. I’ve recently gotten us Quip brushes and holy crap, nothing shows just how not-long-enough you’ve been brushing your teeth like a brush that goes on a 2 minute timer.  That isn’t to say I don’t LOVE this brush though, because I do, it is sleek and their packaging is among my favorite. I have a link if you want to give one a try. You get your first replacement brush head for free and I get my next replacement brush head for free. It’s a win win. And yay clean teeth!

toothbrush

eyemakeupremover

I’m trying to use up products before I buy new ones so I’m not SUPER in love with my eye makeup remover but I have some friends who swear by it- it is doing the job- I just prefer the Neutrogena version.  But currently I’m using Target’s Up and Up oil free eye makeup remover. The thing about it is, it works, and I go through less of it than I would with the Neutrogena, so it’s actually an excellent buy. (I say rolling my eyes admitting that… fine, it’s good… I guess.) But I’m still looking forward to going back to Neutrogena and I’m not sorry!

 

I’ve got 5000 different facial cleansers, or 11, but it feels like a lot. So the method of washing my face varies, sometimes I use Neutrogena’s Hydro-Boost exfoliating cleanser which is a recent addition to my cleanser collection, and I love it, everything from the Hydro Boost line is magical. MAGICAL.  Sometimes I use Omorovicza Thermal Cleansing Balm – speaking of a magical product. Remember when Laura Linney was doing the Masterpiece Theater intro? I was OBSESSED with her perfect skin and discovered that Omorovicza was the line that she uses. It is hella expensive and smells like 4711- the cologne from Cologne, Germany.  My awesome friend Leslee reps for Rodan & Fields and I have TWO of their lines, and love both but for evening I tend to go with the Redefine Cleansing Mask because I don’t have time for a Mask in the morning. And speaking of Rodan &  Fields I LOVE following up a clean face with a little microdermabrasion – my skin feels instantly smoother and less congested after.

When I’ve got a clean face I either serum or moisturize or both. Or neither, because I’m still learning how to adult where my skin is concerned, and that is one of the many reasons I will never have Laura Linney’s skin.  Also, would things work better if I were super consistent about them? Yes, of course, but we live in an imperfect world and I can be pretty damn lazy.

My favorite serum right now is Ole Henriksen’s Truth Serum, I use it morning and night and it smells AMAZING (like oranges!) and the texture is awesome, very silky and light. I follow that with a Neutrogena night moisturizer. I alternate between Rapid Tone Repair and Rapid Wrinkle Repair.  They both work really well and come at a very reasonable price point. ($17. each)

Finally finally finally, if I’m not passed out I slap some Treat Beauty Marshmallow Moisture Stick on my lips and elbows, and in the wintertime I also use it on my knuckles. It smells delicious and works really well. I go to bed smelling like a unicorn. I also moisturize my hands with The Body Shop Shea whipped lotion that I got for Christmas last year and liked enough to buy one to keep on my desk at work, and I JUST started using O’Keeffe’s Foot Creme, I like it so far, I can put it on and go to bed and not feel like my feet are getting covered in sheet lint. (my sheets aren’t linty but you know…)

 

Y’all. I got SO TIRED OF HEARING MYSELF TALK about 10 minutes into writing this. But I’d gone too far so had to finish. So there it is. The things I use at night, sometimes. When I’m giving a crap.

So- what do you use? Because clearly I love product and am always up for more!

xoxo.

Three Favorites Thursday. v3.

This week has not been conducive to lighthearted blog posts. I’ve started a few but every one of them turned into a screed. A justified and completely logical screed but still… so so angry.

So today among my favorite things are the people who will stand between this administration and the people they mean to harm, the people who are speaking up and out, and the helpers, also teenagers for setting a good example of self appreciation.

 

 

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RAICES Texas and their Bond Fund.

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Donate to the fund HERE.

What is RAICES?

“The Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services is a nonprofit organization that provides free and low-cost legal services to immigrant children, families and refugees in Central and South Texas.”

They are on the front line of getting these families reunited and with the summer refugee immigration surge just beginning they are needed now more than ever.

 

 

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Empathy, Activism, Protest.

Everyone is exhausted. Everyone thought that they couldn’t possibly maintain this level of outrage for going on 2 years now. And yet here we are. Marching, protesting, emailing our representatives so often that I just automatically recycle the response letters I get now. So many donations, so many emails from so many activist groups… it helps me feel like we aren’t alone, like these daily atrocities are not going unnoticed, unaccounted for.

I’m also a person who keeps rolls of stamps now because books just don’t cover it anymore. Because sometimes you can’t make a phone call, and a post-card sends the perfect little message.

Luckily I know a lot of creative women who have designed their own cards – like these:

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Polkadot Paper Company post cards can be purchased from her Etsy store.

and these!

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These are new and I am EXCITED. Get yours from Fisk & Fern here. (profits go to the ACLU!) 

 

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Finally –  National Selfie Day.

Girls are constantly being mocked for taking selfies, for sharing pictures of themselves, for LIKING pictures of themselves. How messed up is that?!  Now that our national embarrassment is an actual narcissist in the White House can we stop calling teenaged girls narcissists for taking selfies?

I get that women and girls are supposed to BE pretty but not KNOW we’re pretty, it makes us easier to belittle and control that way- but where’s the fun in that for us?

If you’re feeling your look, take a damn selfie, post it. Turns out not hating how you look is rebellious and incredibly political.

Why yes, I am about to post a bevy of selfies… (two with Manic Trout necklaces, two in Disney, one also with my new amazing Weighted Blanket which we can talk about later.)

 

Send a post card, be heard, post a selfie, be seen.

xoxo